today is hot. not as hot as yesterday, but hot. yesterday night my fat, pregnant ass got into bed wearing nothing but some undies and a large sports bra (which, i would like to point out no longer looks its size, but instead an extra small). i wanted to cry. instead i screamed. the fans in our 3rd floor apartment did nothing but push the hot air from one side of the room to the other. i placed on fan at the foot of our bed, tossed and turned all night, only to wake up sweaty and even more pissed off.
don't get me wrong, i love summer. normally, i even love the heat and the sweat and all of it. i eat it up. i wear little clothing and fucking worship every last day. but this summer is a little different. i can't wear little clothing because i am no longer a little person. i'm a chick with a flesh watermelon shoved up her skirt. my thighs stick together when i walk and my arms look chubby. it's all for this little girl who's growing inside me and it makes me feel better when she's flipping and kicking around, but still... i'm fucking uncomfortable. and this is only the beginning.
i want to make a mojito and sit outside. maybe get a little tipsy and walk around the square, go play on hereford's swing set. instead i will just stick to the swing set. it's all sort of nuts watching your body become not your body. looking at your ass in the mirror and barely recognizing that it's your own wide frame that you're staring at. but it is all okay. it has to be. or i will melt down again, like i did today, and throw my smoothie on the floor only to have to clean it up and sweat some more.
i should probably read or write something. maybe sign up to take the GRE. but right now all i want to do is skip french class, apologize to my boyfriend for being a hot (literally) pregnant mess, and maybe take a nap in my air conditioned car.
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